I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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