aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
