My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
