Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
