I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
