Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
