dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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