you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
