i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.