I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This house was built for laser tag.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back