We won't sleep together?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
