He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.