Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
