never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
