come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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