WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
