I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
