I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
