official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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