hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
