the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.