yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
