Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
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shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
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GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.