"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water