He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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