Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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(212): Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did! http://tfl.nu/gcyx

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(760): View more from California

Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.

(912): View more from Georgia

What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?

(760): View more from California

I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.

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(760): Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool. (912): What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar? (760): I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out. http://tfl.nu/o1sk

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(512): View more from Texas

Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...

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(512): Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame... http://tfl.nu/p4qb

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(317): View more from Indiana

cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

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(317): cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome http://tfl.nu/yrg8

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.

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(902): you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it. http://tfl.nu/s8ya

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.

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(952): I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing. http://tfl.nu/jvox

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(+61): View more from Australia

You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

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(+61): You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd. http://tfl.nu/nwi3

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you are the most awesome.

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(704): She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket. (1-704): I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court. (704): Dude, you are the most awesome. http://tfl.nu/z7ku

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(631): Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night? (516): lol... you weighed it? http://tfl.nu/fdcm

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT

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(+44): He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT http://tfl.nu/lhny

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS

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(724): Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS http://tfl.nu/ftff

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(334): View more from Alabama

seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.

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(334): seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before. http://tfl.nu/yzzl

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(562): View more from California

I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"

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(562): I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??" http://tfl.nu/7nog

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.

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(731): Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me. http://tfl.nu/smua

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(406): View more from Montana

its 2pm. u awake yet?

(1-406): View more from Montana

ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.

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(406): its 2pm. u awake yet? (1-406): ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face. http://tfl.nu/0qbj

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