i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
