Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
