I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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