just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
