Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
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She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
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Every concussion has its silver lining
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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