If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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