If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
