it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
