I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
