I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
