Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
