apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
