Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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