Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oh god the rape fog is back!
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
