I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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