just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
