he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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