I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
