I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
