so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I need a hoe opinion
go on
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
