I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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