thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
