Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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