Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
