i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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