I can't watch pbs sober anymore
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
