this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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