There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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