now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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