"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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