Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
