My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
