new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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