I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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