I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Welp...herpes.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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