Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
