just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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