my soul wont recognize me after tonight
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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