It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You are a booty call, not a friend.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
