My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
