sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
two words...techno handjob
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
