OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
