she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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