Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
