so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
