I'm so fucking centered right now
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
birth control should be required to get into college
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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